Ass me, I Mean Ask Me?

 

Me and My Gluteus Maximus with Pandemic The Magic Bicycle (In Ireland last year)

How’s your….she lowers her eyes and blushes, your ….ah… she points to her pants….your…..she finally finds the word….bottom, doesn’t it get sore? I have a great seat, I answered. I have been asked this question many times in many countries by people from many countries. My bottom has become a topic of world renowned curious mystery. I have always thought that my bottom was cute but to be mentioned so often is a bit humbling. How my bottom feels, is one of those unsolved mysteries to the walkers of the world.

Bottom is the New Zealand word most often inserted into the sentence, how is your ______ ? A rather polite word always said with a reserved gesturing and softened accent. My tooshy, my backside, my bum, my butt, my duff, mon derrier, my behind, my arse, my ass, I personally prefer the wonderful latin word gluteus maximus. Defined by webters dictionary as ”the greatest gluteal muscle and the biggest muscle in the human body. The gluteus maximus forms the bulk of the buttocks. It acts to extend the upper leg, spread it, and turn it outward. ………” The use of the latin word makes me feel that my bottom has reached a certain lofty international status. Bicycle seat isn’t defined by the Webster’s dictionary but that is the reason my gluteus maximus so enjoys peddling through random countries.

My brooks leather seat, a queens thrown in which I perch myself day after day to see the world. It is a fine leather seat that has been molded to my gluteus maximus after over 13,000 or so kilometers of pedaling. When I first purchased the brooks leather saddle/seat it was stiff and as hard as a granite counter top. That first day in England with each push of the peddle, I could feel the bruises making their way to the surface of my gluteus maximus.

I chose to leave Pandemic, the magic bicycle and her queens thrown out in the rain on the very first evening that I purchased her.  Then, come the next day I sat on it and rode back to the bike shop for final adjustments of the handle bars. When I arrived at the bike shop, the mechanic looked horrified as to the condition of the new leather seat. It looked a few years old after only one night. I smiled proudly and tried to tell him that the seat was just a bit hung-over from a rough night but he wasn’t very entertained.

My reasoning behind taking the new leather bicycle seat to a party in the rain was because when I left the bike shop it felt as stiff as new figure skates. I grew up in Canada where the boys played hockey and the girls figured skated. I wanted to play hockey with the boys but was told I was too small and that girls don’t play hockey. I was too young at the time to debate my mom about sexual discrimination so I figured skated with the rest of the girls. Each winter my sisters and I, when we got our new figure skates, would soak them in the bathtub and then walk around the house wearing them to break them in. I figured that all the stiff leather bicycle seat needed was a good soaking and a ride to break it in and my gluteus maximus would be fine. The leather seat has been as comfy as a recliner on Superbowl Sunday ever since. Would you like a pillow for that recliner? Otherwise known as, padded, spandex bicycle shorts. I have never ventured into the “pillowing” of my gluteus maximus. I figured if my gluteus maximus eventually needed a spandex pillow to enjoy the view from the royal saddle I would seek one out. No need occurred, so I am still riding bareback, spandex pillow free and enjoying the game.

SIDE NOTE: I am still waiting in Dunedin for a new bank card from Alaska ‘cause some fraudulent hooligan stole my debit cards and went shopping at Walmart in Alabama, archive post “I have a candy problem”. So I have been sitting on my gluteus maximus for a few days. Another reason I decided to write about that gluteus maximus and her favorite seat.