Me and My Gluteus Maximus with Pandemic The Magic Bicycle (In Ireland last year)
How’s your….she lowers
her eyes and blushes, your ….ah… she points to her pants….your…..she finally
finds the word….bottom, doesn’t it get sore? I have a great seat, I answered. I
have been asked this question many times in many countries by people from many
countries. My bottom has become a topic of world renowned curious mystery. I
have always thought that my bottom was cute but to be mentioned so often is a
bit humbling. How my bottom feels, is one of those unsolved mysteries to the
walkers of the world.
Bottom is the New
Zealand word most often inserted into the sentence, how is your ______ ? A
rather polite word always said with a reserved gesturing and softened accent.
My tooshy, my backside, my bum, my butt, my duff, mon derrier, my behind, my
arse, my ass, I personally prefer the wonderful latin word gluteus maximus.
Defined by webters dictionary as ”the greatest gluteal muscle and the biggest
muscle in the human body. The gluteus maximus forms the bulk of the buttocks.
It acts to extend the upper leg, spread it, and turn it outward. ………” The use
of the latin word makes me feel that my bottom has reached a certain lofty
international status. Bicycle seat isn’t defined by the Webster’s dictionary
but that is the reason my gluteus maximus so enjoys peddling through random
countries.
My brooks leather seat,
a queens thrown in which I perch myself day after day to see the world. It is a
fine leather seat that has been molded to my gluteus maximus after over 13,000
or so kilometers of pedaling. When I first purchased the brooks leather
saddle/seat it was stiff and as hard as a granite counter top. That first day
in England with each push of the peddle, I could feel the bruises making their
way to the surface of my gluteus maximus.
I chose to leave
Pandemic, the magic bicycle and her queens thrown out in the rain on the very
first evening that I purchased her.
Then, come the next day I sat on it and rode back to the bike shop for
final adjustments of the handle bars. When I arrived at the bike shop, the
mechanic looked horrified as to the condition of the new leather seat. It
looked a few years old after only one night. I smiled proudly and tried to tell
him that the seat was just a bit hung-over from a rough night but he wasn’t
very entertained.
My reasoning behind
taking the new leather bicycle seat to a party in the rain was because when I
left the bike shop it felt as stiff as new figure skates. I grew up in Canada
where the boys played hockey and the girls figured skated. I wanted to play
hockey with the boys but was told I was too small and that girls don’t play
hockey. I was too young at the time to debate my mom about sexual
discrimination so I figured skated with the rest of the girls. Each winter my
sisters and I, when we got our new figure skates, would soak them in the
bathtub and then walk around the house wearing them to break them in. I figured
that all the stiff leather bicycle seat needed was a good soaking and a ride to
break it in and my gluteus maximus would be fine. The leather seat has been as
comfy as a recliner on Superbowl Sunday ever since. Would you like a pillow for
that recliner? Otherwise known as, padded, spandex bicycle shorts. I have never
ventured into the “pillowing” of my gluteus maximus. I figured if my gluteus
maximus eventually needed a spandex pillow to enjoy the view from the royal
saddle I would seek one out. No need occurred, so I am still riding bareback,
spandex pillow free and enjoying the game.
SIDE NOTE: I am still
waiting in Dunedin for a new bank card from Alaska ‘cause some fraudulent
hooligan stole my debit cards and went shopping at Walmart in Alabama, archive
post “I have a candy problem”. So I have been sitting on my gluteus maximus for
a few days. Another reason I decided to write about that gluteus maximus and
her favorite seat.
5 comments:
Fantastic! Keep rolling, Retta!
~mindy
Awesome - the computer automatically posted my comment with New Zealand time. Poof - Tuesday disappears! Happy Cinco de Mayo! mj.
You forgot to mention what happened to your gluteus maximus after you sat on a thorn in the Gobi desert. That's was the reason I asked how's your _____?
I'm not a native speaker, as you know, but I always wonder when you write "peddling"? Shouldn't it be "pedaling"? Or "pedalling"? Or are you really peddling?
P.S.
I just checked "Peddler" on Wikipedia.
They have a wonderful picture there,
which somehow reminds me of you.
You may be right with the spelling after all.
Ahhh.. A Brooks saddle. Is it a B17 I wonder? On my ride around NZ I just used the cheap seat that came with my mountain bike and I suffered all the way. Next time, I'll follow your example. Feral Mike - Twizel meeting
So i guess you'd recommend soaking a Brooks saddle to break it in? I've always wanted a Brooks, but am told that they take forever to break in.
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