The majestic jungles of Borneo, a lush tropical paradise freckled with banana plants, the sounds of tropical birds enlighten my ear drums with each push of the pedal. Dancing monkeys dart from tree to tree through the surrounding rain forest as I coast through paradise. Orangutans cackle as Pandemic The Magic Bicycle effortlessly floats through a lush tropical cool breeze. A serendipitous exotic collage of flora and fauna for 500 beautiful kilometers up the Eastern coast of Borneo . Before I get too far into never never land I think it’s time to wake up and smell the skeevy pervert for today I was mistaken for a porn star.
Back in reality where little boys don’t fly, bike touring up the east coast of Borneo has become comically shitty. Today, while pushing Pandemic up a mountain, gradient a quazillion, in near death tropical sun on a heavily trafficked road that I am positive that some sadistic lunatic must of built, I decide to take a water break. I am sitting inside a barbeque in the middle of nowhere, staring at endless acres of annihilated sad rainforest some of which is on fire. As the smoke clears, I am pondering why there isn’t any information on the internet about bike touring these mountainous parts and realize right then and there, sitting and laughing on a broken wooden bench in Barbequeville, Borneo, that it is probably because it is a magnum size bad idea to bike tour here.
A man stops his grieving industrial dirt truck as I am pondering away, he goes for an Emmy away winning performance and pretends he is checking the undercarriage of the truck and comes over and sits too close to me. I say hello, he hears my music coming from my pocket so I show him my music player and flip through a few tunes. He then shows me his music and video player on his phone. He shows me a excerpt of a porn video. He is positive that I am a porn star and must make movies and wants to know if I would like to do the same things that are on the video with him. It certainly doesn’t happen everyday that I am mistaken for a porn star. And as much as I am flattered, I quickly decline and leave in a big hurry to continue pushing a loaded bicycle up a mountain like a retarded porn star cyclist with my 3rd degree sunburned arms baffled by the image of really bad porn.
I pause, pedal and push on for 96 km into Sangatta to catch a boat deep into The National park and away from skeevey perverts to see some orangutans. The information I have is incorrect, there are no boats not even for porn stars and the river only access into the park is only one ridiculous mountain away in the direction that I just came from somewhere near the squeevey pervert. My visa is running thin and the border between Indonesia, Borneo and Malaysia, Borneo is through slow boat access only so I am happy to soon be getting off the loudest, craziest, road I have cycled yet. Fortunately, orangutans don’t need visas or watch porn and there will be plenty of orangutans on the Malaysian side of Borneo to see later. And if all goes well in orangutan land on that special day there will be some orangutan porn for me to watch, after all, even porn stars need company once in a while.
Porn Star In Borneo
