Dear Playboy Magazine

I am writing to inquire about sponsorship.  I am sure, I am not alone in the quest for support from Playboy Magazine.  So why should you choose me out of the stack of requests to receive support for my world bicycle tour?  The answer is because I am often mistaken for a porn star by truck drivers. As much as I am flattered and utterly humbled by the mistake, I believe education is key. A pro-active approach for solo female cyclists would be to offer rock launching educational pamphlets, that clearly demonstrate key differences between solo female bicycle tourists and bonafide porn stars. I could attach educational materials to rocks and throw them at road side masturbators heads as I cycle by.

The target audience is easy to locate.  This past week, one such willy wielding weirdo stood at the side of the road with his willy flapping in the desert breeze watching me, his truck blocking anyone else from seeing him.  Another such incident this week, involved three 3 guys on a motorcycle who did not fair too well. They stopped to ask me for sexual “servis”. Seconds later, I found myself chasing them down the street snapping photos like a camera wielding lunatic.  Sponsorship would also allow me to set up tented private areas at truck stops for oh-la-la activities with oneself, saving the willy weidling weirdos of the world from hazardous highway chases by solo female cyclists.

pro-tip: It is perfectly normal behavior to run down highways chasing after willy wielding weirdos with a camera, a 4-way focus stabilizer is necessary to clearly capture the moment for your memoirs

Let me explain, I have been cycling around the world for far too long. As much, as I am always flattered to be mistaken for a porn star, it happens so frequently in some areas that my reaction has increased to perilous lunacy for them.  The next time such a display occurs, I fear I may just try to cut off their willies and duct tape them to their forheads.  Sponsorship would save the willies of the world, a mutual interest that Playboy Magazine and I certainly share. 

Speaking points at the oh-la-la with oneself tented areas and of the rock launching educational materials would include tips on how to recognize the key differences between an actual porn star and a solo female cyclist.

                                      Porn Star                                           Female Cyclist

pornstars smell wonderful like prophylactic                       bicycle tourists sometimes 
fluffy bunny cologne                                                       don't bath and smell like armpit

pornstars are most likely to be found riding                       most likely found riding bicycles
who knows what    

freely offer to visit in the oh-la-la with oneself                 freely offers to cut off willy's 
tented areas                                                                  and duct tape them to forheads 

Thanking you in advance for considering me for porn star sponsorship

Solo Female Cycling Around The World
Loretta Henderson

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Emily said...

I laughed out loud all the way through this, and now have to explain to my friend's parents exactly what I'm finding so funny.

You should come with a health warning.


Frank said...

Very gooooooooood

Pavel said...

Well at least we know that when they make the film Epic, of your trip epic that the title will be "Free Willy 2".

You are helping human kinds quest for piece in unexpected ways!

claire.carlh said...

Very funny as always retta - say always from The willy weirdo's - be good, enjoy Sudán & stay safe babes :-)

Felix and Mr Pumpy said...

You tell 'em, girl! :)

Jean said...

Just stay safe. Good thing you can point the camera at the catcallers.

Paulina said...

Hi Loretta, I did not laugh with this post although I did see your humor in it.

Possibly its a good idea taking a phot snap of the ass.ho.le and bashing him online and to local police, HO HO HO!!!

Skalatitude..."When humans and nature are living in harmony there is magic and beauty everywhere"
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